First, i apologize publicly if anything i have ever shared on my social media or spoken out loud was hateful or insensitive toward anyone, especially a pregnant woman or young girl.
Lord Jesus, please forgive me. i am grateful for Your forgiveness and only desire to share You with others, all others.
The following includes details of my life that i only share to give the reality of what life can be like.
i was in my early twenties. Divorced, a single mother of two young boys and their dad was having issues of his own and not in our lives at the time. i was dating a guy, me and said guy living with my aunt and uncle. We had just moved to Houston to live with them because we had nowhere else to go at the time. i missed my period and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. We were both unemployed, living under my relative's roof and broke. i barely knew this guy, really. We had dated for a couple of months and he seemed to accept me and my boys. We had ended up in some bleak circumstances. i spoke with the only woman i had in my life at the time, my aunt. She explained to me how she had ended up in a similar situation herself in her past and she had an abortion and she hadn't regretted it. We had a short conversation and she offered to pay for the abortion. i had no finances to speak of at the time and was living with her and my uncle so i could get me and my boys in a better situation than the one we left. Her offer seemed to be the "rescue" and the "relief" my life needed at the time. I couldn't even afford (on my own) to care for the two children i already had, how in the world would i ever get ahead with a third one? i got a job at the same storage company my aunt and uncle worked for. The same day i started my job, they got fired, and the owner called and told me that it was not going to work for me to stay on with them. ????? Now what? From this mess in Houston living with my aunt and uncle, i then ended up calling my dad and asking if me and the boys (and boyfriend) could come live with him while i looked for work and a place to live. He agreed to help us out. i found a job quickly as a waitress and saved a couple of checks until we could afford a rental house. Not having any funds for daycare, i called my ex-husband and asked if the boys could stay with him for a month or so until i got on my feet and was able to get us a place of our own. He agreed. As soon as i was able to afford a home of our own, i was served with lawsuit papers? For what? My ex-husband was taking me to court for custody of our boys. What??? This was the absolute last thing i needed. i was 500 miles away from where the hearing was being held. It was all i could do to pay rent, utilities, food and gas. Now, i am having to figure out how to hire an attorney and fight a custody battle 500 miles away. i hired the only attorney i could afford but was unable to afford to keep up the 500 mile trips to visit my boys several times a month and i definitely couldn't continue to afford attorney's fees. i lost the custody case for my boys for lack of being able to continue to pay my attorney. This was devastating. Now i have lost 3 children. The only thing i could think to do was to move back to Amarillo where two of my children were.
i was now back in my hometown, Amarillo and dating a different guy. Through a lot of hard times, work and emotionally being drained, i was able to obtain my insurance license and got a pretty decent job and i was able to afford to get a two bedroom apartment. i was dating this guy for only a couple of weeks and then he headed off for a trip out of the country that he had planned beforehand. While he was away in Germany, i found out i was pregnant. WHAT????? This time i had used protection and it had obviously failed. What in the world am i going to do? i thought. i just got myself in a decent job and a two bedroom apartment and was looking forward to saving for getting my boys back. AGAIN, this was the last thing i needed. i needed to be rescued, again. i just needed some relief. Something.
i waited until the boyfriend got back to town. That was the longest week of my life. i was frantic. All i could think about was: What am i going to tell my two boys that live with their dad? As they get older they will think i love this kid more than them? How can i have this child when i haven't even gotten my other two back yet? How will i ever afford to get my other two children if i have this one?
Finally, the boyfriend got back to town and when i told him, his reaction caught me off guard. He was so sad and upset. On the verge of tears he made the following statement. "If you abort this baby it would be the biggest favor anyone has ever done for me." i will never forget those words as long as i live. Here's something even more disgusting than his words...i am ashamed to even share this, but i must. i honestly thought if i aborted this child that would be the only way i could possibly ever get my other two boys back. And even worse, i thought this guy might be the one to rescue me and help me. i caved and got the abortion. i will never forget. While waiting the 3-4 days for my appointment, the boyfriend asked me to go have dinner with him and some of his friends. We were ordering our drinks and i couldn't dare bring myself to order a drink with alcohol in it because i knew i had a baby growing inside me. But yet, just a few days later i killed that baby. i had a second abortion. i was utterly devastated.
i will be completely honest with you. My life was so incredibly falling apart with the first abortion i had pushed it so far back in my mind and so far down in my heart i didn't think about it often. But this second one, not long after, broke me. i was utterly devastated. i was undone. My heart was shattered and i was miserable. And, i had to go through it alone. The boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me after the abortion.
Shortly after, i met my husband. We got married 60 days after we met. We were both lost, drowning and in the dark when we met. We eventually got custody of my boys back and we had a baby girl together. But, not happily ever after. You see, we divorced after being married 4 years. After being divorced for 2 years we got re-married. We were a wreck. Affairs were flying left and right. We were both looking to each other to be our savior. And, needless to say, we weren't. We couldn't be. We were never meant to be each other's rescuers.
13 years into our marriage, at the age of 37, Jesus came and found us! He had mercy on us! By His grace, He allowed us to see our sin for what it truly was. Sin had destroyed our lives. We had looked to ourselves to be our authority. We trusted ourselves and our ways were wicked. Evil. We had been our own gods the whole time we thought we were the victims of circumstance. Our hearts were dark and dead. We were living in rebellion against our Creator. Not only were we evil, but we were creating and spreading evil, sin and death everywhere we went.
But God! In love, in compassion, He came and found the two of us completely broken and dead human beings and breathed His Spirit into us! He brought us to LIFE! He carried us into His light! He brought us out of the grave! He granted us repentance and belief in His Son, Jesus, the ONLY SAVIOR! He made us new and He hasn't stopped! He used our unfaithfulness to one another as the biggest tool to reveal to us our unfaithfulness to Him. He used my two abortions to show me that we do not value the sanctity of life in His world. Life is a gift! We all began life in our mother's womb. He has shown us our purpose! All of our purpose! To know Him, to enjoy Him, to image Him, to spread His image upon the earth! To worship Him! His Son lived the life we were created to live, but have failed to live. His Son died the death and took the wrath of God that you and i deserve and paid our debt in full. He then was raised to life and ascended to heaven at His Father's side. We now await His return! God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit! This is His creation, not ours! God is God, we are not! May we seek Him!
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The picture i share is of our family.
i am on the back row, left, peeking over. My husband, Devin is next to me. The two young men are our sons. Our daughter is on the left in front of me and our two daughter-in-laws and two grandchildren are also in the picture.
But, please note that there are 2 children that are not pictured. Why? Because i murdered them while they were growing in my womb. Too harsh? i will not apologize for the truth. i am absolutely guilty of murdering two of my children while they were alive inside my body. i can't take it back or i would. i can't change the past. i can't. But, what i can do is share my two babies with you so their lives will not have been in vain. Through the tears i plead with you if you are pregnant and scared....PLEASE seek out resources. They are out there! They are everywhere! And if you're scared and too overwhelmed, reach out to me. i will do any and everything i can to help you. You need to know that you are not alone. Abortion is not the "rescue" you are needing. i know, i've been there. You and your baby are not alone!
God's word, the Holy Scriptures teach us who God is and who we are and why we are here. We are not born knowing God, nor are we his children. His call to all humanity is to repent and believe His Son, Jesus. But we can not do this on our own. If we could, there would have been no need for God the Father to give His Son to pay for the sins of His people. We need His mercy. Repentance and belief are gifts from God! We are only saved by His grace! There is One Redeemer, One Savior! His name is Jesus! Do you know Him?
love,
angie
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