It has been a year now since God drew me near to Jesus. (No man come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:44) It was a moment in my car. I was listening to a CD of Mitch McVicker and the song was Don't Let Your Heart Be Troubled. All of the sudden, I had this knowledge given to me that I was not alone and I need not be afraid.
You see, about two and a half years before this moment in my car, something very traumatic happened in my home. A man entered my home uninvited and came to murder me. I was home alone. (I have made videos on YouTube that go into greater detail if interested.) I was held hostage in my own home at gunpoint. After an hour and a half or so, only by the grace of God, the man left. My life would never be the same after that experience. For the next two and a half years, I lived in paralyzing fear. Fear to the extent my husband took me to buy a firearm for the first time in my life for my protection. I was so scared in my home that I rarely opened my blinds on the windows. So I literally lived in darkness and my anxiety would go through the roof if our outside dogs barked. We had a very expensive security system installed with cameras. This enabled me to check the outside and inside surroundings through the monitoring system. Although at first this seemed to provide some relief, it soon made my depression and anxiety worse. I would hear the dogs barking and saw nothing/no one on the monitoring system and my imagination ran wild that maybe the person coming to get me was out of camera view. Also, several times the alarm would sound (a very high pitched screaming sound) as if someone had entered the house and all I could do is pick up my gun and wait for someone to turn the corner. When no one ever rounded the corner, then I was left to go search the house alone with my gun prepared to shoot. Not one time was anyone there.
So, this day in my car...I had just dropped off my daughter to school and was on my way home. My dungeon of darkness. Of course I was full of fear, armed with my gun and dreading the opening of the door to enter in when I got home. This had been my routine for two and a half years. Same fear, different day. But this day. Oh, this day! The Holy Spirit was present in my car and in my heart, in my soul, and in my body! I all of the sudden felt a rush of relief and calmness soften my pounding heart. I felt as if Jesus himself had His arms wrapped around me saying, "Angie, there is nothing to fear, I am here with you. I have always been here with you." I began to cry with tears pouring down my face. Not because I was sad. They were tears of relief. The first solid and pure relief I had felt since the incident had occurred. In fact, I had never felt such a release of fear in all my life. This was a first. In that moment, something happened. God drew me near to Jesus and gifted me the faith (For by grace are ye saved through faith; and not that of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. Ephesians 2:8-9) to hear Him. Not only to hear Him, but to believe Him! Trust Him that what I heard was the truth.
From that day forward, my fear began to disappear. And within a week I no longer felt the need to keep my gun at my side in my home. I began to open the blinds daily. Then, I began sitting outside during the day by myself, which had been unheard of for the last two and a half years. I was able to feel safe in my home again! Before too long I ordered myself a bible online. It arrived in July of 2015. I wrote in the front where it says: This Bible Is Presented To: Angie Wheeler, By: Angie Wheeler. On that inscription page is the verse, Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105. ---> By the way, I just noticed this as I opened it to get the date. So, after I received my Bible in the mail I wrote in it and read a little out of Genesis. It still just seemed to complicated for me to grasp. I put it away and as I had always done in the past, never opened it again. UNTIL...
Okay, fast forward to the end of August. Finally, after almost three years from the traumatic incident, the man that entered my home uninvited to kill me was going to have his trial. That required me to meet with the District Attorney's Office to prepare for the trial. It was odd though. I didn't desire for this man to be thrown in prison and the keys thrown away forever. Which is what my heart had desired the previous thirty months or so. (Not for revenge, but because I thought that would be the only way I would feel safe.) No, at this point I just wanted to move forward. The night before the trial I talked to God. I told Him I would be fine with whatever the outcome was. If this man was found guilty - fine. If this man was found not guilty - fine. I sincerely meant it, too. I knew either way I was going to move forward with my life and not live in fear of this man for one minute longer in my life. Long story short, the man pled guilty and was sentenced to ten years in prison. At his sentencing hearing, this man looked at me and my husband in the eyes and said he was sorry. He seemed to have sincere remorse.
Now before you start feeling sorry for me, let me tell you the rest of the story. Not about anyone else but myself. Here's the whole truth. The man that came into my home that day was a close family friend. In fact, he was my good friend's husband. You see, about two months before this traumatic incident I had a one time adulterous encounter with this man. My only guess is the stress and fear of his wife and kids finding out and my husband and kids finding out our "little secret" led him to take the actions he did that day. See, not so innocent am I? Not that I deserved to be held hostage in my own home for having an affair. But, it certainly changes the perspective, doesn't it?
I only share this authenticity with you to show you the power of our Creator. He not only created us, He provided us an exit ramp from Hell. That's the only thing all of us deserve. Not just the people that get so desperate they commit crimes, not just the people that get to the end of their rope and give up on life, not just the people that have addictions to soothe their misery, not just people that commit adultery attempting to feel worthy, not just those kinds people. But, ALL OF US! For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Jesus: Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God; To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus. Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith. Therefore, we conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. Is he the God of the Jews only? is he not also of the Gentiles? Yes, of the Gentiles also: Seeing it is one God, which shall justify the circumcision by faith, and uncircumcision through faith. Do we then make void the law through faith? God forbid: yea, we establish the law. Romans 3:23-31.
That day in my car, oh that glorious day in my car, the Lord provided me faith! It was but a drop. But that drop of faith disappeared my fear, that drop provided me the courage to take a bath at home alone, that drop gave me the desire to order a Bible for myself, that faith provided my heart the grace and space to genuinely forgive the man that almost murdered me, that drop of faith leads me to read my letter from God (Bible) and listen as the Holy Spirit speaks to me, that drop of faith leads me to surrender my life to my Lord and Savior every day as he provides me more breaths to breathe, that drop of faith continues to be my saving grace and feels as though that drop has become a river of faith. That faith, that true authentic faith can only be given to us by Jesus Christ himself.
In the Gospels of Matthew and Mark, we see that John the Baptist baptizes with water and Jesus baptizes with the Holy Spirit.
* I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the farmer: but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire. Matthew 3:11-12.
* I indeed have baptized you with water: but he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost. Mark 1:8.
You see, adultery was just one of my sins. There are many, many more. I will share those as I continue this blog. I needed to share with you my "ugly" that God turned into beauty for His glory. Only He has that power. Our Father who art in Heaven has that power. A quote that I saw the other day is what I will close with today.
The only one that can Truly satisfy the human heart, is the one who made it!
Love you guys,
most importantly Jesus loves you.
Grace and Space for you and others always, no matter what it looks like!
